August 28 , 2014
BIGFOOT ATTACKS CAMPERS! Ape Man runs off with bestselling novel!
Fort Bragg, CA -- Residents near this northern California town were stunned to hear the tale of four young campers who had been hiking in the nearby redwood forest. About 12 miles east of town, they had settled in for the evening, playing guitars, reading and smoking a little medicinal marijuana, when they were attacked by a large hairy ape-like man who ransacked their camp. "Yeah man," said Derek Mendocino, one of the campers, "we were just chillin' in the trees, you know, just hangin' out, when this nasty dude came stompin' out of the woods, running right at us." "Ewwwww, like, yuck!" exclaimed Skye Tyler, Derek's girlfriend. "He smelled like, you know, like a dog that rolled in his own diarrhea, or something, you know, NASTY!" "Dude was howlin' like a banshee, man," said Malcolm Nighthawk, their native American friend. "Definitely was a sasquatch -- one of our ancient brothers." "I said ... Whoa! Dude! Like slow down, man!" said Derek, explaining his interaction with the man beast. "I was so stunned, I swallowed my blunt!" "He ripped up my tent and stole the novel I was reading right out of my hands!" cried Penelope Douglas, an aspiring young actress and student at UCLA. "It was my special hard cover first edition of The Cursed Man by Keith Rommel. There are only 500 of these, you know. It's going to be a movie with Brahm Gallagher!" "Ahhh Brahm --- he's dreamy," said Skye. Fortunately, she was able to snap a photo of the creature with her iPhone as it was running off with the novel. According to Sunbury Press publisher Lawrence Knorr, the beast was estimated at ninety inches tall.